I hope you are coping ok, I remember a quote "the land of tears is a private place." No one can reach you right now. I think we all have to hold on tightly to our pain when we loose someone dear, we need to honor it. Then one day when you least expect it, in a breath of wind or a breaking wave, that pain dissipates and suddenly all you hear is laughter when you think of the person you loved so deeply. Loss is a very hard transition...I wish you and yours well.
Mary Oliver is a gifted poet that has written about loss...maybe this feels familiar.
Blackwater Wood
Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
The long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
Of the ponds,
and every pond
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world--
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal,
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it,
and, when the time comes to let it go,
to let it go.