This is going to be as much a scathing rant as it is a light hearted story of travel and adventure, there will be ups and downs, insights with a bit of navel gazing. So brace yourself.
„Switzerlanded“
Verb. The state of shock, awe and dismay when faced with the reality of eye watering prices demanded for the most mediocre of services or goods in the confederation of Switzerland.
Coined by the venerable members of a rather active English language forum for expats in Switzerland and frequently used rather smugly by longer standing members to lord it over so-called „newbies“ who have been rendered gob-smacked after having to take out a IMF loan to pay for their bar tab.
Now there are a few things that are mandatory, being born, for one, then there is dying and the paying of taxes between the two. So this trip to Switzerland is totally my own fault and it was not forced, it is just something I had to do for my own piece of mind.
A kind of pilgrimage, so to speak.
It took a while to get things in sync but at last I had a bit of time and the moolah for at least two days in the land of the Swiss frank. As it was still a bit too early in the year for tent and LiLo, I would be staying in hotels. Now as a rule I tend to ride until my ass hurts and then look for cheap and cheerful digs, 40 to 60 Euros a night and don’t look around the room with a black light. 80 is pushing it and 90…? I´ll be walking with a 10° list for the rest of the day. The big plan was to ride, find a cheap as possible hotel, stay one night in CH before carrying on to Italy. Cheap & cheerful, you get the gist, only thing is Switzerland doesn’t do cheap and cheerful, cheerful, yes. Cheap..? No!
Come morning, a week ago, packed and ready to bug out, I fired up the ST and hit the A96 Autobahn to Lindau. Out of habit I stopped at the big Raststation on the German-Austrian border at Hörbranz for a coffee, I also needed this years Vignette for the CHian Motorway system. These things cost 40 Euros for a year, regardless if you are on a bike or in a car. Not too wild, but unlike Austria where you can buy a 10 day sticker, CH wants a years toll just for a sniff at the motorway.
Anyway, scowling into my coffee over the 40 Euros I saw her. Long of leg, small of waist, black of hair and the most glorious rack of Charlies god ever slapped on the chest of a woman. She was walking with her guy, a much older person and I can only hope the same god had granted him a big dick because he sure short-charged him on looks.
As the four of them walked past I thought to myself that I would love the chance to motorboat, only I thought in English and due to some short-circuit in my brain I said it out loud.
Only to have her feller turn on me and ask what did I say?
„What did you just say?“
„UuuuH… Wut?
„What did you just say“
„Uhhhh!“ I said feigning ignorance.
„I was bitching about the price of the vignette…. Why?“
„Nothing“ He said, not quite convinced. They walked on and she turned and I gave her a wink and a winsome smile.
Time to remount and ride. I carried on through the Pfänder tunnel into Austria and turned off at Hohenems into Switzerland where I joined the E45 to Sargans, turning right past the Fjord-like Walensee and into central Switzerland. I had planned to go over the Klausenpass to Interlaken, it had been open only the day before but now it was closed. I know that there is an alternative route to Interlaken and as I was fed up of the Motorway I decided to turn off.
But. I needed a map.
Before you start screaming „SLAMMER you WRETCHED Luddite“ I have to tell you that I do have one of these new fangled cell phones and it has google maps on it and the Interthingy and I can use it for navigation.
It is just that I have a German Aldi Prepaid card in the phone which doesn’t like to be near a Swiss cell tower as they are evil vampires and will suck out any credit on a poor Aldi card in seconds, even when riding along the Austrian Motorway adjacent to the Swiss border… As soon as a Swiss cell tower sees my phone, it´s a case of Schwupp and my phone is out of credit until I can reload at the next German Aldi.
Needless to say I switch the thing off as soon as I get within sniffing distance of CH. But secretly I wanted a map, I love maps, real maps, one out of paper, the kind that you can fold in twenty ways but only one is correct. A map that you open over a table with a beaker of coffee, to gaze over the colored lines with a steely eye, imagining where I could go next. So very old fashioned, but I do love me a good map.
I…just…needed…to…find…one!
I stopped at the next petrol station and went to the desk and asked for a map….
The girl behind the counter looked at me with that odd look teenagers give to old folks like me get when we talk in ancient.
„A what?“
„A…Map“
Another strange teenager look, the kind that you get when they have to think a thought they hadn’t budgeted for.
„A…a…Map, like on google map?“
„Yes, but on paper“
„You have it on your phone“
They did not have any maps and she clearly had no idea what I had just asked for.
„Sigh“ It wasn’t worth it.
I rejoined the Autobahn for a few Kilometers but soon came to an exit where I turned off, in the next village, I found a Papeterie that stocked books a few writing utensils, magazines, art-paper, things like that and… maps!
It was a good feeling to ride off with a real red map stuffed behind the windshield, I basked in the admiring glimpses from bikers coming the other way when they saw my map.
I have a map, it made me feel so, so… *sniff* Twentieth century!
But by now it was getting late and cold to boot and this twentieth century man was beginning to feel his age.
I needed a hotel, a shower, then something to eat washed down with a few beers.
Remember the cheap ´n cheerful?
The first hotel I stopped at, a three star jobby, nothing spectacular, nothing I would write about with a feeling of rapture. It was just a simple generic, garden variety hotel, in the middle of nowhere on a side road to Interlaken.
The room was 225 Franks, or 250.96 USD
Switzerlanded.
Wordlessly I turned.
„We have cheaper rooms… 170 Franks a night, but they don’t have a bathroom en suite.“
Switzerlanded.
„No thanks!“
The Rhein crossing at Liechtenstein
The mighty fortress at Vaduz
A break at Vaduz
Rheinbridge
Walensee
Like Norway
Brienz, view from the hotel.
On the road to the Eiger
„Switzerlanded“
Verb. The state of shock, awe and dismay when faced with the reality of eye watering prices demanded for the most mediocre of services or goods in the confederation of Switzerland.
Coined by the venerable members of a rather active English language forum for expats in Switzerland and frequently used rather smugly by longer standing members to lord it over so-called „newbies“ who have been rendered gob-smacked after having to take out a IMF loan to pay for their bar tab.
Now there are a few things that are mandatory, being born, for one, then there is dying and the paying of taxes between the two. So this trip to Switzerland is totally my own fault and it was not forced, it is just something I had to do for my own piece of mind.
A kind of pilgrimage, so to speak.
It took a while to get things in sync but at last I had a bit of time and the moolah for at least two days in the land of the Swiss frank. As it was still a bit too early in the year for tent and LiLo, I would be staying in hotels. Now as a rule I tend to ride until my ass hurts and then look for cheap and cheerful digs, 40 to 60 Euros a night and don’t look around the room with a black light. 80 is pushing it and 90…? I´ll be walking with a 10° list for the rest of the day. The big plan was to ride, find a cheap as possible hotel, stay one night in CH before carrying on to Italy. Cheap & cheerful, you get the gist, only thing is Switzerland doesn’t do cheap and cheerful, cheerful, yes. Cheap..? No!
Come morning, a week ago, packed and ready to bug out, I fired up the ST and hit the A96 Autobahn to Lindau. Out of habit I stopped at the big Raststation on the German-Austrian border at Hörbranz for a coffee, I also needed this years Vignette for the CHian Motorway system. These things cost 40 Euros for a year, regardless if you are on a bike or in a car. Not too wild, but unlike Austria where you can buy a 10 day sticker, CH wants a years toll just for a sniff at the motorway.
Anyway, scowling into my coffee over the 40 Euros I saw her. Long of leg, small of waist, black of hair and the most glorious rack of Charlies god ever slapped on the chest of a woman. She was walking with her guy, a much older person and I can only hope the same god had granted him a big dick because he sure short-charged him on looks.
As the four of them walked past I thought to myself that I would love the chance to motorboat, only I thought in English and due to some short-circuit in my brain I said it out loud.
Only to have her feller turn on me and ask what did I say?
„What did you just say?“
„UuuuH… Wut?
„What did you just say“
„Uhhhh!“ I said feigning ignorance.
„I was bitching about the price of the vignette…. Why?“
„Nothing“ He said, not quite convinced. They walked on and she turned and I gave her a wink and a winsome smile.
Time to remount and ride. I carried on through the Pfänder tunnel into Austria and turned off at Hohenems into Switzerland where I joined the E45 to Sargans, turning right past the Fjord-like Walensee and into central Switzerland. I had planned to go over the Klausenpass to Interlaken, it had been open only the day before but now it was closed. I know that there is an alternative route to Interlaken and as I was fed up of the Motorway I decided to turn off.
But. I needed a map.
Before you start screaming „SLAMMER you WRETCHED Luddite“ I have to tell you that I do have one of these new fangled cell phones and it has google maps on it and the Interthingy and I can use it for navigation.
It is just that I have a German Aldi Prepaid card in the phone which doesn’t like to be near a Swiss cell tower as they are evil vampires and will suck out any credit on a poor Aldi card in seconds, even when riding along the Austrian Motorway adjacent to the Swiss border… As soon as a Swiss cell tower sees my phone, it´s a case of Schwupp and my phone is out of credit until I can reload at the next German Aldi.
Needless to say I switch the thing off as soon as I get within sniffing distance of CH. But secretly I wanted a map, I love maps, real maps, one out of paper, the kind that you can fold in twenty ways but only one is correct. A map that you open over a table with a beaker of coffee, to gaze over the colored lines with a steely eye, imagining where I could go next. So very old fashioned, but I do love me a good map.
I…just…needed…to…find…one!
I stopped at the next petrol station and went to the desk and asked for a map….
The girl behind the counter looked at me with that odd look teenagers give to old folks like me get when we talk in ancient.
„A what?“
„A…Map“
Another strange teenager look, the kind that you get when they have to think a thought they hadn’t budgeted for.
„A…a…Map, like on google map?“
„Yes, but on paper“
„You have it on your phone“
They did not have any maps and she clearly had no idea what I had just asked for.
„Sigh“ It wasn’t worth it.
I rejoined the Autobahn for a few Kilometers but soon came to an exit where I turned off, in the next village, I found a Papeterie that stocked books a few writing utensils, magazines, art-paper, things like that and… maps!
It was a good feeling to ride off with a real red map stuffed behind the windshield, I basked in the admiring glimpses from bikers coming the other way when they saw my map.
I have a map, it made me feel so, so… *sniff* Twentieth century!
But by now it was getting late and cold to boot and this twentieth century man was beginning to feel his age.
I needed a hotel, a shower, then something to eat washed down with a few beers.
Remember the cheap ´n cheerful?
The first hotel I stopped at, a three star jobby, nothing spectacular, nothing I would write about with a feeling of rapture. It was just a simple generic, garden variety hotel, in the middle of nowhere on a side road to Interlaken.
The room was 225 Franks, or 250.96 USD
Switzerlanded.
Wordlessly I turned.
„We have cheaper rooms… 170 Franks a night, but they don’t have a bathroom en suite.“
Switzerlanded.
„No thanks!“
The Rhein crossing at Liechtenstein
The mighty fortress at Vaduz
A break at Vaduz
Rheinbridge
Walensee
Like Norway
Brienz, view from the hotel.
On the road to the Eiger
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