STripper
Brian
It's much safer to start with something smaller:
🤣 Funny!
- Thread starter docw1
- Start date
When the ice cream machine is down...
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from the impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!”
1. Pull up to Dealership when the mileage reaches 5,000 miles since the last oil change.
2. Relax in the waiting room while enjoying a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, scan debit card and leave, driving a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $24.00
Coffee: Complementary
TOTAL: $24.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1. Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, and use your debit card for $50.00.
2. Stop to buy a case of beer, (debit $24), drive home.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack truck up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6.. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12. Crawl out from under truck to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13. Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14. Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; crawl under truck and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16. Crawl out from under truck with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17. Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19. Remember drain plug from step 11.
20. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21. Drink beer.
22. Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23. Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24. Crawl under truck getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25. Begin cussing fit.
26. Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27. Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit truck and left dent.
28. Beer.
29. Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30. Beer.
31. Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32. Beer.
33. Lower truck from jack stands.
34. Move truck back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35. Beer.
36. Test drive truck.
37. Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38. Truck gets impounded.
39. Call loving wife, make bail.
40. 12 hours later, get truck from the impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2,500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1,500.00
Beer: $20.00
TOTAL: $4,145.00
But you know the job was done right!”
OP
OP
ST1100Y
Site Supporter
What that pic actually reminded me off, was the defaced SAAB 900 in Richard Pryor's Moving...
ST1100Y
Site Supporter
... yep...
tnbill
Site Supporter
Do you offer free shipping
OP
OP
Yeah, but did you get an ice cream??
OP
OP
Two Statisticians are flying across the Pacific Ocean to a conference in Sydney Australia; they’re in a 747.
When they are 8 hours into the 14 hour flight, the plane finds itself in the middle of a huge thunderstorm. So, there’s turbulence, not too bad, but they bounce around…
And then suddenly Kaboom! The plane is struck by lightning, and one of the jet engines stops working. … after a minute, the Captain speaks on the PA, “Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry for all the turbulence. You’ve probably notice that we were struck by lightning, and it destroyed one of our four engines. That’s not great, but this 747 can easily fly on three engines — but we’re going to have to slow down a bit, and we’ll get to Sydney about an hour late.
The passengers are relieved, but wouldn’t you know it, the plane is hit by lightning again, and they lose another engine…! The captain says, “well, I hate to say it, but we lost another engine. Believe it or not, this plane can easily fly on only two of its engines … but now we’re going to be about two hours late.”
The passengers aren’t happy about this, but what can you do. Fortunately, a 747 really can easily fly on two out of four engines.
But Dangit! There’s another lightning strike, and they lose a third engine! After about 5 minutes the captain comes on the PA, “Well, that’s bad luck, but we lost a third engine. Fortunately we can still fly using only one engine, but it’s going to slow us down … we’ll get to Sydney about three hours late.”
One of the Statisticians squirms with frustration. “Forgodsake, if we lose that last engine, we’re going to be up here all night!”
When they are 8 hours into the 14 hour flight, the plane finds itself in the middle of a huge thunderstorm. So, there’s turbulence, not too bad, but they bounce around…
And then suddenly Kaboom! The plane is struck by lightning, and one of the jet engines stops working. … after a minute, the Captain speaks on the PA, “Ladies and Gentlemen, sorry for all the turbulence. You’ve probably notice that we were struck by lightning, and it destroyed one of our four engines. That’s not great, but this 747 can easily fly on three engines — but we’re going to have to slow down a bit, and we’ll get to Sydney about an hour late.
The passengers are relieved, but wouldn’t you know it, the plane is hit by lightning again, and they lose another engine…! The captain says, “well, I hate to say it, but we lost another engine. Believe it or not, this plane can easily fly on only two of its engines … but now we’re going to be about two hours late.”
The passengers aren’t happy about this, but what can you do. Fortunately, a 747 really can easily fly on two out of four engines.
But Dangit! There’s another lightning strike, and they lose a third engine! After about 5 minutes the captain comes on the PA, “Well, that’s bad luck, but we lost a third engine. Fortunately we can still fly using only one engine, but it’s going to slow us down … we’ll get to Sydney about three hours late.”
One of the Statisticians squirms with frustration. “Forgodsake, if we lose that last engine, we’re going to be up here all night!”
Just a gentle reminder.
ST1100Y
Site Supporter
ST1100Y
Site Supporter
... why am I not surprised...
OP
OP
