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Warning old pun/dad jokes
Immanuel isn’t a pun. He Kant be!
Playwright and poet Oscar Wilde was known for his wry wit and creative puns. He once joked about the famous philosopher and Enlightenment thinker Immanuel Kant. In Wilde’s joke, Kant’s name does double duty to jab at how seriously philosophers take their work.
How Many Does He Want?
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"
For those who need a visual interpretation, throw up your pointer and middle fingers to make the Roman numeral five (V).
The Government Is Always a Punchline
In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
Often misattributed to President John Adams, this humorous quote actually comes from the Broadway musical 1776, by Peter Stone. In Act 1 of the show, the future President throws out the line amid a sea of complaints about Congress. Our apologies to any lawyers or congresspeople.
Lying Through Wooden Teeth
Q: Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? A: Because he couldn’t lie.
This joke relies on the audience knowing whether “lay” or “lie” is correct, but puns with a double meaning will never go out of style. Teachers, save this one for your lesson on the multiple meanings of the verb “lie.”
A Spring Joke for Thanksgiving
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.
It might take a minute, but the audience will certainly give a groan when they remember the Mayflower was the ship that brought the Pilgrims to the New World in 1620.
Drawing From History
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, "You’ll only lose it."
Whether warranted or not, France is the butt of many historical warfare jokes. Just avoid telling this one at a French restaurant.
Campaign Slogans Are Good for a Laugh
When Democratic presidential candidate Franklin Pierce ran for office in 1852, he took inspiration from his predecessor, James K. Polk.
Pierce’s campaign became, “We Polked You in ’44, We Shall Pierce You in ’52.”The cheesy slogan might induce an eye roll, but it seemed to work, as Pierce was the next Democratic candidate to enter the White House.
Who Said That?
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
American humorist and writer Mark Twain is credited with many punny mottos, including this playful take on the Nile River in Egypt. There’s no proof that Twain ever uttered this particular phrase, but it has appeared in Saturday Night Live skits, in musician David Crosby’s autobiography, and in an op-ed about global warming by former Vice President Al Gore.
A Bonus for the Kids
Q: Why were the early days of history called "the Dark Ages"? A: Because there were so many knights!
Sometimes the simplest jokes are the best ones.
Immanuel isn’t a pun. He Kant be!
Playwright and poet Oscar Wilde was known for his wry wit and creative puns. He once joked about the famous philosopher and Enlightenment thinker Immanuel Kant. In Wilde’s joke, Kant’s name does double duty to jab at how seriously philosophers take their work.
How Many Does He Want?
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please!"
For those who need a visual interpretation, throw up your pointer and middle fingers to make the Roman numeral five (V).
The Government Is Always a Punchline
In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress.
Often misattributed to President John Adams, this humorous quote actually comes from the Broadway musical 1776, by Peter Stone. In Act 1 of the show, the future President throws out the line amid a sea of complaints about Congress. Our apologies to any lawyers or congresspeople.
Lying Through Wooden Teeth
Q: Why did George Washington have trouble sleeping? A: Because he couldn’t lie.
This joke relies on the audience knowing whether “lay” or “lie” is correct, but puns with a double meaning will never go out of style. Teachers, save this one for your lesson on the multiple meanings of the verb “lie.”
A Spring Joke for Thanksgiving
Q: If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May flowers bring? A: Pilgrims.
It might take a minute, but the audience will certainly give a groan when they remember the Mayflower was the ship that brought the Pilgrims to the New World in 1620.
Drawing From History
A Frenchman walks into a library and asks for a book on warfare. The librarian replies, "You’ll only lose it."
Whether warranted or not, France is the butt of many historical warfare jokes. Just avoid telling this one at a French restaurant.
Campaign Slogans Are Good for a Laugh
When Democratic presidential candidate Franklin Pierce ran for office in 1852, he took inspiration from his predecessor, James K. Polk.
Pierce’s campaign became, “We Polked You in ’44, We Shall Pierce You in ’52.”The cheesy slogan might induce an eye roll, but it seemed to work, as Pierce was the next Democratic candidate to enter the White House.
Who Said That?
Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.
American humorist and writer Mark Twain is credited with many punny mottos, including this playful take on the Nile River in Egypt. There’s no proof that Twain ever uttered this particular phrase, but it has appeared in Saturday Night Live skits, in musician David Crosby’s autobiography, and in an op-ed about global warming by former Vice President Al Gore.
A Bonus for the Kids
Q: Why were the early days of history called "the Dark Ages"? A: Because there were so many knights!
Sometimes the simplest jokes are the best ones.
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Fella living next to a game warden started coming home every day with a boat full of fish. Curiously, the game warden asked where he was catching so many fish. He claim the lake just down the road. The game warden said “no, that lake has been fished out for years”. Fella said there is plenty of fish in that lake. Game warden ask if he could come fishing with him to see for himself. Fella said sure, be here tomorrow at 5am.
5am warden shows up puts his rod reel and tackle box in the boat.
Fella comes out and puts a small paper bag under the seat in the boat. Warden thinks it’s his lunch.
As they are pulling away warden notices nothing else is in the boat.
They put the boat in the water and slowly paddle out about 250 yards and just sit.
Warden ask ”Is this it, where is your pole?!”
Fella reaches into his paper bag and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws overboard. BOOM, fish start floating to the top.
After a minute of total shock the warden says “You have broken so many laws, when I’m finished with you, you will be broke, in jail, and never allowed to fish in this state again!!”
Fella just looks at him with a blank stare, reaches into his paper bag and pulls out another stick of dynamite. Lights it hands it the the warden and asked “You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?”
5am warden shows up puts his rod reel and tackle box in the boat.
Fella comes out and puts a small paper bag under the seat in the boat. Warden thinks it’s his lunch.
As they are pulling away warden notices nothing else is in the boat.
They put the boat in the water and slowly paddle out about 250 yards and just sit.
Warden ask ”Is this it, where is your pole?!”
Fella reaches into his paper bag and pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it and throws overboard. BOOM, fish start floating to the top.
After a minute of total shock the warden says “You have broken so many laws, when I’m finished with you, you will be broke, in jail, and never allowed to fish in this state again!!”
Fella just looks at him with a blank stare, reaches into his paper bag and pulls out another stick of dynamite. Lights it hands it the the warden and asked “You gonna talk or are you gonna fish?”