🤣 Funny!

A guy met a girl at a bar.

He said, may I buy you a drink? She said, okay, but it won't do you any good.

A little later, he asked her again, may I buy you another drink? Okay, buy me another drink, but it won't do you any good, she said.

At closing time, he invited her up to his apartment and she said, okay, but just so you know, it won't do you any good.

When they arrived at his apartment, he turned and said to her, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. I want you for my wife.

Oh, she replied, that's different. Send her in and don't forget to close the door on your way out.
 
PADDY'S LAST WILL -

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.

He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:

"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."

"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."

"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."

"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..

"Property?”, his wife replies. “The b….. had a window cleaning round."
 
A nun, badly needing to use the toilet …

… walked into a very popular nightclub.

The place was popping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the barman and asked, “May I use the toilet, please?” The barman replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.”

“Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way, “said the nun. So the barman directed the nun back to the restaurant area to where the toilets are situated.

After a few minutes, she came back out and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a long, loud round of applause

She went to the barman and said, “Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the toilet?”

“Well, now they know you're one of us,” said the barman. “Would you like a drink?”

‘No, thank you, but I still don't understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see,” laughed the barman, “Every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. And now, how about a drink?”
 
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