🤣 Funny!

A businessman walked into a bar ...

… and ordered a beer. As he was sipping his drink, he heard a little voice say, "nice tie".

He looked around, but there was nobody who could have said it.

A few minutes later, he heard, "beautiful shirt".

Again, he looked around, but he couldn't find anyone who might have spoken.

A few more minutes passed, and he heard, "great haircut".

This time, he decided to investigate.

He asked the bartender, "did you hear those voices?"

The bartender replied, "oh, that's just the peanuts, they're complimentary."
 
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to the local grocery store. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local store manager:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a, 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, 'Madonna Look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;

'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.
 
A young man shows up in heaven. St. Peter greets him and begins to review his life book. After a few minutes, St. Peter says, “There’s not much in here. You seem to have had an insignificant life. We like people here who have done something to merit entry. Have you ever done anything at all significant or possibly heroic?’ The young man says, “Well, as a matter of fact there was one incident you might consider heroic. I was driving on an interstate in a very remote area, and I was getting a little tired. I pulled off into one of those rest areas to stretch my legs. There was only one other car there, and a young and very attractive young woman was outside the car doing some stretching exercises. A few minutes later, I heard a loud roaring sound and suddenly, about fifty bikers poured into the rest area, and they were a bad looking bunch. They spotted the young woman immediately, headed straight for her, and started riding around her in circles. They finally stopped, dismounted their bikes, and headed straight for her. I said to myself, “this is bad, I have to do something.” I walked into the group of bikers, picked out the biggest, ugliest, and meanest looking biker, walked up to him and kicked him right in the crotch, and I said to the rest of the bikers, “if any one of you touches this young lady, you’ll be answering to me.” St. Peter is impressed and says, “Wow, that certainly was heroic. When did that happen?” The guy says, “Just about five minutes ago.”
 
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